By Caroline M. Cole

Signs were evident in mid-August. Subtle in some stores and on full display in others, Christmas decorations were making their appearance among the costumes, ghostly embellishments, and bags of candy meant to welcome trick-or-treaters—one of many warnings that the holidays were a mere four months away and that stores were already gearing up to usher us through the experience. And now that Halloween has passed, Black Friday, Cyber Monday, and daily reminders that there are only “X-more days of shopping…” continue to push us toward malls, outlets, and online retailers. These rites of passage have become as much a tradition as the holidays themselves, but this year offers something new: numerous stores have announced they are bypassing the midnight bewitching hour that used to attract only the heartiest of Black Friday shoppers and opening their doors to customers on Thanksgiving Day itself.

Since the announcement, retailers have been scrambling to offer the most tantalizing   “doorbuster” deals so as to attract prospective customers now faced with myriad options for how to spend their evening once the turkey has been devoured and the dishes put away. Meanwhile, some shoppers have been strategizing about which stores to target for the most lucrative offers, while others—with still a week to go—have already pitched their tents in parking lots and claimed their place in line, hoping to score the best deal and the bragging rights that go with it. Critics are chiming in as well. Asking if we really need another day to shop, many grouse this shift simply reinforces our reputation as a shallow, consumer-driven society; others complain that businesses are once again putting profits before people, requiring conventionally overworked and underpaid employees to spend more time away from their families. And, of course, there are those who remain bewildered by the controversy itself.

Regardless of when, how, or even if we might personally enter the fray, all of us should be concerned that opportunities to reflect on what we have are increasingly eclipsed by events that push us to focus on what we want, for by relinquishing time to be consciously, purposefully grateful, we are at risk of giving up more than just a holiday.

Studies show that gratitude can lead to better health, sounder sleep, less aggression, greater empathy, kinder behavior, and a more positive outlook on life. Gratitude also promotes prosocial behavior, reinforcing and motivating altruistic efforts among both the acquainted and strangers. Yet while such benefits should compel us to take full advantage of the opportunities to give thanks, much continues to get in the way of our ability to feel grateful. Health problems, relationship difficulties, financial struggles, job or unemployment challenges, housing uncertainties, and so on can leave us feeling beaten down, damaged, and alone—feelings that run counter to gratitude. Yet, as Robert A. Emmons, professor of psychology at the University of California at Davis and the founding editor-in-chief of The Journal of Positive Psychology notes, it’s precisely in these moments that gratitude is essential.

In “How Gratitude Can Help You Through Hard Times,” Emmons writes that “in the face of demoralization, gratitude has the power to energize. In the face of brokenness, gratitude has the power to heal. In the face of despair, gratitude has the power to bring hope. In other words, gratitude can help us cope with hard times.” He is, however, quick to clarify that there is a difference between feeling grateful and being grateful. Whereas feelings originate in our emotions which, according to Emmons, are often affected by “the way we look at the world, thoughts we have about the way things are, the way things should be, and the distance between these two points…, being grateful is a choice, a prevailing attitude.” As such, Emmons continues, gratitude “is relatively immune to the gains and losses that flow in and out of our lives.”

Emotions and the feelings they evoke can be difficult to control. Gratitude, on the other hand, can be cultivated, but therein lies the challenge, for gratitude develops most during trials and tribulations—the very occasions most people work to avoid. But Emmons says there’s another deterrent to gratitude: a consumer-driven, materialistic culture.

Things, in and of themselves, are not the problem. Rather, as Emmons explains, it’s the pursuit of things—believing their acquisition and accumulation will make us happier—because seeing life through the lens of buying and selling encourages us to view things and relationships as disposable. Equally problematic is that when we focus on things we can acquire, we begin to believe that we are owed certain things and that we’re entitled to what we get, giving us little reason to feel grateful. After all, Emmons posits, why be grateful for things we feel we deserve? Unfortunately, expectations can shape our experiences and, subsequently, the ways we interact with others.

Consider, for example, being told that we should expect to pay $1,000 for a computer with the options and software we want. Finding that computer for $900 would seem like a bargain, while seeing the computer for $1,100 would seem outrageous, prompting us to think that someone is trying to rip us off—all because of the expectations we had entering the exchange. David Rock, author of Your Brain at Work, explains it this way: “If we expect X and get X, there is a slight rise in dopamine [a neurotransmitter in the brain that effects pleasure and motivation]. If we expect X and get 2X, there’s a greater rise.” However, Rock notes, “if we expect X and get 0.9X…we get a much bigger drop” and, he adds, “when we don’t get our expectations, our brain doesn’t get just slightly unhappy, it sends a message of danger or threat.” Little wonder that Black Friday events of late have become increasingly aggressive and dangerous, if not deadly. When customers expect rock-bottom prices, anything or anyone that jeopardizes those expectations becomes the enemy.

So what does all of this have to do with communication?

As explained in the post “Addicted to Devices, and the Messages We Transmit,” the word communication (connected to the Latin verb commūnicarē, meaning “to share, divide out; to impart, inform; to join, unite, participate in”) assumes more than simply making information available; it requires an exchange—a reciprocal give and take—that is grounded in an affinity with, respect for, and commitment to the well-being and enrichment of the other person. Similarly, the word gratitude (derived from the Latin gratia, which means “grace, graciousness, gratefulness”) has to do with generousness and reciprocity, making it—like communication—outwardly focused. Thus, like effective communication, gratitude encourages us to see and promote our connection to and interdependence with other people in ways that enrich those individuals and, by extension, ourselves.

The Ancient Roman philosopher Marcus Tullius Cicero observed that “gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others,” an observation that seems to ground the gratitude journals, recognition letters, random acts of kindness, appreciation circles, five-minute favors, and other prosocial behaviors and movements aimed at countering what Emmons has called the “exaggerated deservingness that marks narcissistic entitlement.” But virtues must be cultivated and nurtured if they are to become an authentic part of our lives, and for gratitude, that cultivation starts with the seeds of thanks: “Thankfulness is the beginning of gratitude,” writes Swiss philosopher and poet Henri Frederic Amiel. “Gratitude is the completion of thankfulness. Thankfulness may consist merely of words. Gratitude is shown in acts.”

Wherever and however we spend Thanksgiving, the subsequent holidays, and our days throughout the year, we should welcome and hold tightly to the opportunities we have to purposefully and conscientiously recognize the people, circumstances, environments and, yes, even the things that make our lives more meaningful than they would be otherwise, for in doing so, we sow the seeds that bind us together in the most authentic, meaningful ways.

Working toward Areté…
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