By Caroline M. Cole

The first recorded use of the word “mentor” appears in Homer’s epic tale The Odyssey, which focuses on the final days of Troy and Odysseus’ attempt to return to Ithaca after the war. Readers learn that before he leaves for battle, Odysseus, the King of Ithaca, entrusts his friend Mentor to look after his household—which includes his wife, Penelope, and newborn son, Telemachus—and it is from this story that many have and continue to define a mentor as someone who nurtures, protects, advises, and guides younger individuals toward their potential.

Although Mentor and Telemachus’ relationship is mediated by a third party, some mentorships evolve organically, while others are initiated by those wanting guidance in reaching their more goals more efficiently and effectively. But whatever the context or origin of these relationships, there are strategies that can help us find a mentor and foster a mutually rewarding relationship. The strategies below can help in these endeavors.

• Identify the area(s) for growth. The first step in strategically finding a mentor is identifying the area(s) or characteristic(s) we want to develop. Mentors are increasingly common in professional contexts, where employees look for allies, advisors, and advocates that can help them meet their short- and long-term goals in the office or in the larger field. Mentors do, however, exist in the personal realm, offering feedback and support to promote self-development. And, of course, there are mentors who can bridge professional and personal forums, depending on their familiarity with both areas of our lives or the types of things we’d like to improve. By identifying the skills or characteristics we’d like to develop and, as necessary, the forums in which we’d like to address those elements, we can make better choices about the people who may be able to help us move forward in the ways we seek.

• Survey the field. Once we have named the abilities and qualities we want to develop, we must then consider how we’d like to develop them. After all, there are countless ways we could reach our objective but, ideally, we can find a path that not only will lead us to our target destination, but do so in a way that is consistent with our values. To help narrow the possibilities then, we should look around our environment(s) and identify people who are doing the work we’d like to do, or individuals who are reflecting the characteristics we’d like to develop, in ways that we admire and respect. In other words, we should do more than simply look for people who are capable of achieving particular goals; we should aim to learn from those who reflect the principles we strive to uphold in our work and in our lives.

Having identified such individuals, we then should take a closer look at the work they do, asking how they are different from others in the same arena. For example, are the differences in their contexts, their reasons, their audiences, their resources, their methods, or their attitudes—or any combination thereof? Or might the differences be contingent upon other things that align with or deviate from our own circumstances? By examining what helps the individuals we admire stand out from others doing comparable work, we can identify role models who may be in a position to help us reach similar goals while maintaining the principles that matter to us.

• Select prospective mentors wisely. Wanting to ensure the greatest success, many people work to align themselves with superstars in the field, using these performers’ accomplishments as evidence that they have much to teach those who want to achieve similar greatness. Despite our admiration of and attraction to star performers, however, research on role models suggests that the upper echelon may have less to offer than we might assume.

Consider, for example, research by Jerker Denrell, Professor of Strategy and Decision Making at the University of Oxford, and Chengwei Liu, Assistant Professor of Strategy and Behavioral Science at the Warwick Business School. In their study of top performers, Denrell and Liu challenge the notion that higher performance indicates higher skill and, subsequently, the inference that people wanting to succeed should simply emulate the habits of the most successful individuals in the target field. Finding that “extremely high performance could be due to excessive risk taking rather than prudent strategy and exceptional skill,” Denrell and Liu ultimately suggest that it can be more beneficial to imitate high—though not necessarily exceptional—performers.

Simply observing and imitating the habits of high performers can provide us with countless informal mentors, but if we are looking for more direct or individualized guidance, we need to find people who are more than just high performers; we need to find individuals who are generous with their talents, supportive of others’ efforts and ambitions, constructively honest in their feedback and, most importantly for this discussions, willing and able to work with us—for these characteristics are the foundation of a successful mentorship.

• Explicitly ask for guidance. Having identified individuals we’d like to work with and learn from directly, we must then ask if they would be willing to take us under their wing and serve as our mentors. Regardless of whether we know the prospective mentor well or not at all, we should be prepared to explain what we aim to learn or hope to develop through a mentorship and why that person may be the best to help in those efforts. But herein lies the challenge: While mentorships will inevitably serve our needs, prospective mentors need to know what’s in it for them. In other words, why should they invest any time, energy, and resources in us?

The answer to this question should not be monetary, for if we are paying someone for their guidance, we do not have a mentor; we have hired a consultant or a coach. Even so, we should be able to explain how, why, and to what extent the prospective mentor’s time would be well spent, reinforcing the importance of choosing prospective mentors wisely.

Depending on the context we are in or the guidance we seek, the people we ask to mentor us may get little, if anything, directly or immediately from us. If, however, we are able to find individuals with comparable goals, values, and views, we may be able to show that their mentoring us would ultimately be extending their reach and magnifying their effect. The only way we could make such an argument, however, is by being able to accurately and sincerely discuss what a prospective mentor does and how our being mentored in comparable efforts could supplement their own, albeit in different ways or venues. Surveying the field and selecting prospective mentors whose work or character resonates with or maps onto our own interests can help us make such a case.

• Be proactive in the relationship. Once someone agrees to serve as our mentor, the heavy lifting for how—or if—the relationship develops rests upon us. Therefore, we must remain proactive if we are to maintain and develop a mentorship in which both parties feel that their time is being well-spent.

Some mentees, for example, request ongoing, face-to-face meetings at designated intervals; in such cases, however, mentees should come to these sessions prepared to discuss what they have been doing since the last meeting, the success or failure of those efforts, plans for moving forward, and any questions and concerns that may affect their progress. Other mentees work on an ad hoc basis, arranging sessions as questions, concerns, or developments arise. Similarly, depending on the physical proximity of participants or the nature of the mentorship, connections might be in person, through virtual means (for example, email, conference calls), or a combination of the two.

The frequency or method of communication matters less than the fact that the connections take place, and since we are the ones who have pursued this type of relationship, it remains our responsibility to initiate the connection, set the agenda, manage any logistics, and remain as flexible as possible in accommodating our mentors’ schedules and forum preferences.

• Remain curious and open to learning. In their book Mentoring: The Tao of Giving and Receiving Wisdom, Chungliang Al Huang and Jerry Lynch explain the importance of remaining an “empty vessel” by relaying the story of an arrogant professor who visits a Zen master to learn about Buddhism. Inviting the professor to tea, the Zen master continues pouring tea into the professor’s cup, even after it begins to overflow. When the professor calls attention to this fact, the Zen master replies, “Exactly. Your knowledge is already spilling over, so how can I offer you any more?”

Learning is only possible when we’re willing to acknowledge what we don’t know. By recognizing there is always more to learn—even as we continue to gain proficiency and expertise—we can use our curiosity to ask better questions and, in turn, acquire better information.

• Be open to feedback. Mentors can help us see things we may not be able to see on our own, and while sometimes their observations may encourage us to look outside of ourselves—say at opportunities we might pursue or directions we might consider—at other times their observations may require us to look within, making us vulnerable to information we may not be ready or wanting to hear. For example, a mentor may ask questions that push us to consider why we act or pause in particular contexts. Or, a mentor might help us discover talents, strengths, and gifts we didn’t know had. Or a mentor may help us identify behaviors or characteristics that may be hindering or even sabotaging our efforts to move in the directions or into the forums we desire.

As these examples demonstrate, feedback can be neutral, favorable, or negative; therefore, we must seek out mentors who can offer constructive feedback so that, regardless of the feedback we receive, we can be assured it is being offered with our best interests in mind. As a corollary, if we believe we have chosen our mentors wisely, we should remain open to what they have to say if we are to identify ways we might reach our goals.

• Respond to feedback. Soliciting guidance from those with more experience is the foundation of a successful mentorship, but it is not enough to simply ask for someone’s thoughts or ideas; we must be prepared to do something with that information. To be clear, this strategy does not obligate us to do whatever our mentors suggest. It does, however, ask us to think about; evaluate; and purposefully decide whether to adopt, reject, or modify our mentor’s observations and suggestions. In doing so, we demonstrate our recognition of and appreciation for our mentors’ efforts in helping us achieve our goals.

• Resist copying a mentor’s style. Imitation may be a form of flattery, but mentors offer guidance and feedback, not a blueprint or template for success. Therefore, we should resist mimicking our mentors and, as Sir Isaac Newton observed, “see further… by standing on the shoulder of giants.” In doing so, we build upon—rather than duplicate—the wisdom and experiences of others and discover ways to make the contributions only we can make.

Mentorships can last a few weeks, or they can last a lifetime, but mentorships are seldom constant from start to finish. The best mentorships are fluid and dynamic, evolving to accommodate particular needs at particular times and, in the process, they help us discover things about the world and about ourselves that we could have never predicted at the onset of the relationship. Such relationships, however, don’t just happen. They must be nurtured, but the rewards of fostering mutually beneficial mentorships are fields of allies and advocates who are willing to help us grow into the people we aspire to be.

Working toward Areté…
Share your experiences with securing a mentor or strategies for making mentorships viable for both parties in the space below.